Merry Xmas and Happy Holidays!

Happy holidays.  Yep.  Holidays.  When I say this, I mean that from a bit before Thanksgiving until the New Year, I hope you are happy. It's really that simple.  I am not saying that my beliefs negate yours.  No one can take Christ out of your Christmas.  It's your holiday.  Just like even if you don't want to admit it's your birthday, it is still the day you were born.  You love Christmas.  You love Christ.  I get it. I do too. However, I don't understand how saying the all-inclusive "Happy Holidays " can be offensive? Going out on a giant limb here, but the Jesus whose birth I celebrate would be more likely to say "Happy Holidays" to his Jewish friends, or even, Him-forbid, say "Happy Hannukah". I'm just saying.  This is a season where we encourage peace and love, right?  Then why is there still some sort of strange battle here? Isn't it beyond time for us to start respecting each others differences and realize that someone else's belief that in something/someone else doesn't take the value out of our own beliefs?

FYI:I learned this from a Baptist pastor in small town Arkansas, but wikipedia agrees:

"Xmas" is a common abbreviation of the word "Christmas". It is sometimes pronounced /ˈɛksməs/, but it, and variants such as "Xtemass", originated as handwriting abbreviations for the typical pronunciation /ˈkrɪsməs/. The "-mas" part is from the Latin-derived Old English word for "Mass",^[1] while the "X" comes from the Greek letter Chi, which is the first letter of the Greek word Χριστός, translated as "Christ".^[2]

There is a common misconception that the word Xmas is a secular attempt to remove the religious tradition from Christmas^[3] by taking the "Christ" out of "Christmas".

 So, if I write Merry Xmas, I am not taking Christ out of Christmas.  Basically, I am just too lazy and find that writing those five extra letters too strenuous. 

Peace on earth. Good will to men.  All men. I wish it for all of you.

Happy Kwanukkahmas!

I Like Myself

A few weeks ago, My sweet little Peanut said something astounding to me that stopped me in my tracks.

"I LIKE MYSELF!"

I gave her a huge hug.  I was so proud.  Yes, of course, you do. You are an awesome kid.  I have contemplated this moment over and over again, not to pat myself on the back, but to think if I had ever believed much less exclaimed that statement in my life.  And with such exuberant confidence!  Just a few days later, I went back home very briefly for a funeral of a family friend. This trip took me back to see people I seriously had not laid eyes on in about 20 years or more.  I was nervous.  It felt different than going back to my 20 high school reunion.  There's time to prepare and transform yourself for the reunion.  Lose that 5 extra pounds, whiten your teeth, freshen highlights, etc.  This trip was unexpected.  I'd be going back to my church where I'd spent a lot of my time. I thought back to who I was back then and the people I might see.  I had negative feelings toward what might happen.  Then a nugget of wisdom from an unexpected source said to me, "It's not the people who are this issue.  You don't like who YOU were back then. That's the issue."  BINGO!!!!!  Back then, I was full of judgement. I was square.  I had no sense of cool whatsoever.  I wore bows in my hair.  Big ones.  That I made myself as a hobby.  And drop waist dresses, with sailor collars. Did I mention this was Texas?  You can imagine the size of my hair. I felt so disconnected from that girl.

Well, I arrived to the funeral and I saw so many familiar faces.  So many wonderful memories came flooding back to me.  I had numerous people in my life who loved, supported and cheered me on.  They guided me.  I left that day grateful and feeling very blessed.  And I realized how hard my adult self had been on my youth self.  I had forgotten about the goodness in my heart and the stubbornness that set me apart from others.  I had forgotten about my courage to follow a dream that no one else around me pursued.   I have let go of so much judgement and replaced it with compassion and understanding.  I learned about "But for the grace of God, there go I." I have become a grateful member of humanity and stopped seeing "them" and  "us" and now see "we".  And I can tell you it's because of who I was back then that I can honestly say now without question...

I LIKE MYSELF!!

THE GIFT OF FEAR

fear.  a strong and powerful word, often with negative connotations.  I think there's a positive side to fear. I believe fear connected with instinct is a helpful resource for all of us. About 15 years ago, I was a twenty-something who had just moved to NYC by myself.  I found a pretty cheap, very small studio apartment on the Upper West Side.  During my moments of unemployment, I was a loyal watcher of Oprah.  One day her guest was an author named Gavin DeBecker.  He'd written this book called "The Gift of Fear".  I was intrigued.  He spoke about how women especially have been trained to ignore their intuitions.  You know, you are walking down a dark street.  You begin to feel like you are being followed.  Yep. Indeed, a strange guy is right behind you.  He offers to help you carry you heavy groceries.  You say, no thanks.  He doesn't listen.  No really, let me help you.  Oh, okay, you don't want to be rude. Fast forward to him forcing his way into your apartment, holding you at knife point, etc.  All because you suppressed those intuitions/fears that were actually a gift to you to keep you safe.  Be rude.  It could save your life.  Well, I rushed out to buy this book.  I figured it would come in handy in "the big city." I have so often referred back to what this book has taught me.  Listen to yourself.

fear. a stifling response that may keep you from taking risks. I have struggled with fear more these past few months than I have in a very long time.  I have let my fear of heartache, fear of failure, and fear of indirection inform too many of my recent decisions.  Finally, I said "Enough!" First, I accepted a job for which I was not completely qualified, but I was willing to be cheap labor in exchange.  I have found that I am capable of learning many new tasks and skills. I am good at much of what I do, even when I lack experience. I communicate well.  I realized how greatly I have limited myself.  Short changed myself. I am beginning to see a whole new world (cue music from Alladin) for myself.  I am considering choices I never thought attainable.  Next, I began to welcome the heartache.  I let it wash over me, let it teach me, let it strangely comfort me.  It felt good.  Necessary.  Now I can move forward a little at a time.  I no longer want fear to be the reason I make a decision to not do something.

fear. it's your friend and your foe.  Let it teach you, guide you.  And if it tries to keep you from reaching for what you want, give it a swift kick in the ass.

Please visit my fierce friend's blog. Check this out!!!  She truly is not just another Jen. She is a courageous woman, wife and mother who challenges me to think broader and dream bigger.  Recently, she invited me to contribute to her word of the month club.  You just read my first attempt.

Racing in the rain

I like to read.  However, it has been since January that I have been sucked into a book that I just couldn’t put down.  I enjoy getting books from the library.  It makes me feel a little “old school”.  Upon a few recommendations, I recently checked out ”The Art of Racing in the Rain”.  I was told it was a great read for dog lovers. While I love dogs, my relationship with my own canine has been tenuous these past few years.  He tests my patience, i.e. he gets into to the trash at any chance.  He howls a lot.  He stands and just stares at Peanut and barks very loudly when it’s just to the two of them in the room. I’ll be honest.  He frequently annoys me and I have called him “a pest” on numerous occasions.  Back to the book.  SUCKED IN.  A dog is the narrator of the book.  This is a voice I needed to hear.  Not only did this pooch remind me that my own sweet puppy is just that…a dog.  He has instincts that are simply a part of his nature (food…must have it at all times). I have put unrealistic human-like expectations on him regarding his behavior.  I was reminded that he is so full of love and devotion.  I just stopped paying attention to that part of him.  Our relationship has been transformed.  I am his friend again.  He never stopped being mine. Husband likes to tease  remind me that a dog did not actually write the book. 

There are also a few life lessons reiterated throughout this novel.  The dog owner is a race car driver.  I am not a sports enthusiast at all.  Most especially, I am not into car racing. I don’t get it.  However, this character had some great ways of thinking.  Ways that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.  He believes that “you manifest that which lies ahead of you” and “your car goes where your eyes go”.  The latter really spoke to me.  If you stare at the wall you are speeding by at an uber-fast pace, you will head for the wall.  I have stared at too many walls in my life.  I began to contemplate what lies ahead to me.  What do I want to be in my future?  I can choose to create that in my life.  I was surprised that I truly deeply didn’t really know what I wanted for myself in the future. That's beginning to change.  By ceasing to look at the walls, I can little by little see and feel more clearly where I'd like my car to be heading.  What about you?

The Last Day

Today is the final day of my 30's.  I wonder if I should wear black to mourn this passing.  My life is not at all what I envisioned it would be on this day.  My 30's were really good to me.  Full.  Adventurous.  Dreams realized, fulfilled, and even crushed.  Travel. Good sessions of therapy.  So many laughs and tears with friends and cast mates.  Heartache.  Losing people I truly adored.  I grew up in my 30's.  Turning 40, I thought I'd still be in NYC, being one of those amazing women who juggle motherhood and an acting career. Or we'd have stayed in Nashville and I'd be writing hits for Reba and having dinner with Faith and Tim.  But alas, I live in Oklahoma City, a landlocked state that my home state of Texas  makes fun of (not that I ever cared about stuff like that).  I haven't been on a stage or sung outside of my shower in over a year.  The news sucks here. I never feel like I know what's going on in the world unless I watch CNN.  I work a 9 to 5 job that has me in front of a computer for most of those hours. My dress size is creeping closer and closer to a size that I am less than thrilled about. Yet, these are not the reasons, my life isn't what I imagined.  My life is better than I'd imagined.  What I take with me from my 30's, what I really only grasped this year, is that my circumstances do not determine my happiness. In the past, if this had been my life, I would've been depressed, sinking into the abyss of self-pity that I wallowed in for too many years. Waah, f-ing , waaah!!!  Yep!!  I mean that.  I have so much to be grateful for. I have a new job for a non-profit arts organization that is teaching me so much. I get to spend more time with my parents. I have a kid that keeps my laughing, but also makes me really think about my choices. I love watching her grow. I feel the love from my network of friends across the country almost daily.  Husband makes me feel like I am still 25, wink, wink.  So, I say, "Ta ta!" to my 30's.  Thank you. I raise a glass to you and welcome the wisdom, risks, new adventures and dreams realized, fulfilled, maybe even crushed that this next decade will bring.

Revisiting Resolutions

I realize it's past the middle of the year, but forgive me. I was in paradise (aka Whitefish, Montana) for the past month doing almost nothing.  Now that I have returned home, I see the sun faded list of New Year's Resolutions that I keep on my kitchen window sill.  It sits just above the sink. Thus, when I find my demented version of solitude while washing dishes, I am gently reminded of those goals I made.  I was kind to myself this year and did not put weight loss on my list.  Though, who's kidding whom?  That has been on my mental, not so gentle, list since I gave birth almost five years ago. Now, as I reflect on my progress and growth, I feel good about how my level of awareness has increased.
Here's the list:
1) Five minute meditation daily.  Ommm. I really needed this at the beginning of the year and accomplished it most days back then.  It definitely made a difference.  Now, I don't feel as frazzled as I was feeling back then, but will prioritize to make time for it again.  Today, I did it at the playground while Husband played with Peanut in this wretched heat. On a shaded bench,  I closed my eyes and relished in the melodies of the cicadas for five minutes.  A little bit of heaven.
2) Breathe more deeply.  An acupuncturist told me I needed to do this upon our first meeting.  He also told me I was too hard on myself.  I had barely told him anything about myself.  I find that by meditating more, I also breathe more deeply.  However, I catch myself still too often being a shallow breather.  Raising awareness!!
3) Practice patience.  Funny how these all help each other.  I can see a lot of growth with this one.  Though, parenting a clever and sometimes sassy 4 year old tests me quite often.  If it's really tough, I breathe deeply and give myself a 5 minute time out to meditate.  : )
4) More water, less wheat.  Back in January/February, I became a gluten-free, sugar-free vegan.  For 21 days.  Astonishingly, I killed no one during this time.  My awareness about how much wheat I eat was definitely raised. I also realized it makes me feel thick, like there's an extra layer of blubber? between my skin and my muscles. It can so easily creep in to my diet.  Toast here.  Sandwich there.  Pasta for dinner.  Too much, too often.  This one, I must revisit.  The more H2O thing is much easier now that I have a fridge with a water filter thing-a-ma-jiggy on the door.
5) Much less sugar.  Actually, this one is capitalized with exclamation points.  Here's the thing. I am a mindless eater of sugar.  I get a sweet tooth, open the cabinet to find the candy stash that Peanut got from school, and before I know it I have devoured more candy than I care to admit and few stale marshmallows for good measure.  What's that about?  Confessional time:  I'll even scarf down the final contents of a bag of whatever crap it is, just so it won't be in my house tomorrow.  Once I started freeing myself of this mindlessness, I lost the cravings.  But they come back quick. I have never been a drug user, but there is definitely some kind of addiction to sugar going on here.  Must get back on track.

It feels good not to beat myself up for slacking off here and there.  See. Those five minutes are making a difference.  So much that I even practice patience with myself. We are on this journey together, friends.

Beautiful Sadness

Life is funny.  I am not talking about a hilarious funny, though thank god quite often it's that too. I mean wonderfully peculiar.  I have been in the beauty of Montana for the past month.  "Beauty" doesn't even begin to do it justice.  I am talking about the kind of beauty that heals the soul.  When I arrived a month ago, I had no idea my soul would need so much healing.  I also had no idea I was pregnant.  After about a week here, and my cycle did not begin, the boobs were getting ridiculous and I woke up in the middle of the night craving a bowl of Cheerios. I knew something was up. Husband and I were surprised and cautiously optimistic.   We've been down this road before.  This past year I was told that I have reduced ovarian function and my only hope for a baby would be adoption.  So, I allowed myself to sleep as much as I could.  Husband worked on the show he was directing while Peanut and I enjoyed the great outdoors of Montana and the great indoors of a fabulous gym here with an awesome pool.  I arranged play dates, easy outings, ate a lot of snacks to alleviate the morning sickness, and drank water like a fish.  We had a sonogram and learned that at about 7 weeks along there was no longer a heartbeat.  We've also been down this road before.  Sadness.  Deep sadness and disappointment.  Heartache.  All still too familiar to me.  However, as I drove myself up the mountain where we were staying, I realized that if one was going to be doing some suffering, suffering in beauty was the best place to be.  The towering trees. The still snow-covered mountains of Glacier National Park in the distance.  The bluest sky ever seen.  The deer that stare at me, taking me in, and then literally floating through the woods. The birds singing songs of hope to me as I went for a walk with my dog.   These things reminded me of the wonder of life.  All life.  What a miracle it all is.   This was the gift of beautiful sadness.