Revisiting Resolutions

I realize it's past the middle of the year, but forgive me. I was in paradise (aka Whitefish, Montana) for the past month doing almost nothing.  Now that I have returned home, I see the sun faded list of New Year's Resolutions that I keep on my kitchen window sill.  It sits just above the sink. Thus, when I find my demented version of solitude while washing dishes, I am gently reminded of those goals I made.  I was kind to myself this year and did not put weight loss on my list.  Though, who's kidding whom?  That has been on my mental, not so gentle, list since I gave birth almost five years ago. Now, as I reflect on my progress and growth, I feel good about how my level of awareness has increased.
Here's the list:
1) Five minute meditation daily.  Ommm. I really needed this at the beginning of the year and accomplished it most days back then.  It definitely made a difference.  Now, I don't feel as frazzled as I was feeling back then, but will prioritize to make time for it again.  Today, I did it at the playground while Husband played with Peanut in this wretched heat. On a shaded bench,  I closed my eyes and relished in the melodies of the cicadas for five minutes.  A little bit of heaven.
2) Breathe more deeply.  An acupuncturist told me I needed to do this upon our first meeting.  He also told me I was too hard on myself.  I had barely told him anything about myself.  I find that by meditating more, I also breathe more deeply.  However, I catch myself still too often being a shallow breather.  Raising awareness!!
3) Practice patience.  Funny how these all help each other.  I can see a lot of growth with this one.  Though, parenting a clever and sometimes sassy 4 year old tests me quite often.  If it's really tough, I breathe deeply and give myself a 5 minute time out to meditate.  : )
4) More water, less wheat.  Back in January/February, I became a gluten-free, sugar-free vegan.  For 21 days.  Astonishingly, I killed no one during this time.  My awareness about how much wheat I eat was definitely raised. I also realized it makes me feel thick, like there's an extra layer of blubber? between my skin and my muscles. It can so easily creep in to my diet.  Toast here.  Sandwich there.  Pasta for dinner.  Too much, too often.  This one, I must revisit.  The more H2O thing is much easier now that I have a fridge with a water filter thing-a-ma-jiggy on the door.
5) Much less sugar.  Actually, this one is capitalized with exclamation points.  Here's the thing. I am a mindless eater of sugar.  I get a sweet tooth, open the cabinet to find the candy stash that Peanut got from school, and before I know it I have devoured more candy than I care to admit and few stale marshmallows for good measure.  What's that about?  Confessional time:  I'll even scarf down the final contents of a bag of whatever crap it is, just so it won't be in my house tomorrow.  Once I started freeing myself of this mindlessness, I lost the cravings.  But they come back quick. I have never been a drug user, but there is definitely some kind of addiction to sugar going on here.  Must get back on track.

It feels good not to beat myself up for slacking off here and there.  See. Those five minutes are making a difference.  So much that I even practice patience with myself. We are on this journey together, friends.

Beautiful Sadness

Life is funny.  I am not talking about a hilarious funny, though thank god quite often it's that too. I mean wonderfully peculiar.  I have been in the beauty of Montana for the past month.  "Beauty" doesn't even begin to do it justice.  I am talking about the kind of beauty that heals the soul.  When I arrived a month ago, I had no idea my soul would need so much healing.  I also had no idea I was pregnant.  After about a week here, and my cycle did not begin, the boobs were getting ridiculous and I woke up in the middle of the night craving a bowl of Cheerios. I knew something was up. Husband and I were surprised and cautiously optimistic.   We've been down this road before.  This past year I was told that I have reduced ovarian function and my only hope for a baby would be adoption.  So, I allowed myself to sleep as much as I could.  Husband worked on the show he was directing while Peanut and I enjoyed the great outdoors of Montana and the great indoors of a fabulous gym here with an awesome pool.  I arranged play dates, easy outings, ate a lot of snacks to alleviate the morning sickness, and drank water like a fish.  We had a sonogram and learned that at about 7 weeks along there was no longer a heartbeat.  We've also been down this road before.  Sadness.  Deep sadness and disappointment.  Heartache.  All still too familiar to me.  However, as I drove myself up the mountain where we were staying, I realized that if one was going to be doing some suffering, suffering in beauty was the best place to be.  The towering trees. The still snow-covered mountains of Glacier National Park in the distance.  The bluest sky ever seen.  The deer that stare at me, taking me in, and then literally floating through the woods. The birds singing songs of hope to me as I went for a walk with my dog.   These things reminded me of the wonder of life.  All life.  What a miracle it all is.   This was the gift of beautiful sadness.