Beautiful Sadness

Life is funny.  I am not talking about a hilarious funny, though thank god quite often it's that too. I mean wonderfully peculiar.  I have been in the beauty of Montana for the past month.  "Beauty" doesn't even begin to do it justice.  I am talking about the kind of beauty that heals the soul.  When I arrived a month ago, I had no idea my soul would need so much healing.  I also had no idea I was pregnant.  After about a week here, and my cycle did not begin, the boobs were getting ridiculous and I woke up in the middle of the night craving a bowl of Cheerios. I knew something was up. Husband and I were surprised and cautiously optimistic.   We've been down this road before.  This past year I was told that I have reduced ovarian function and my only hope for a baby would be adoption.  So, I allowed myself to sleep as much as I could.  Husband worked on the show he was directing while Peanut and I enjoyed the great outdoors of Montana and the great indoors of a fabulous gym here with an awesome pool.  I arranged play dates, easy outings, ate a lot of snacks to alleviate the morning sickness, and drank water like a fish.  We had a sonogram and learned that at about 7 weeks along there was no longer a heartbeat.  We've also been down this road before.  Sadness.  Deep sadness and disappointment.  Heartache.  All still too familiar to me.  However, as I drove myself up the mountain where we were staying, I realized that if one was going to be doing some suffering, suffering in beauty was the best place to be.  The towering trees. The still snow-covered mountains of Glacier National Park in the distance.  The bluest sky ever seen.  The deer that stare at me, taking me in, and then literally floating through the woods. The birds singing songs of hope to me as I went for a walk with my dog.   These things reminded me of the wonder of life.  All life.  What a miracle it all is.   This was the gift of beautiful sadness.