My Mid-Year Resolution

I know 6 months have already passed by in 2012, but I think it's time for me to make a change.  I am not going to wait for another ball to drop in Times Square either.  Now is the time.  I am totally inspired by this article I read in The New York Times.  Basically, the writer states that he believes our "crazy busy" phenomenon in the US is completely self-inflicted. Maybe even an addiction for many.
I can relate.
In the past 6 months I have juggled 3 jobs, raising a child, being a wife, connecting with friends (not nearly enough), practicing yoga, planned play dates, writing (not nearly enough), and the list goes on.  This does not make me different from millions of others out there.  Nor does the fact that many days I don't sit down to chill out til 9 or 10 pm.  The chill out time quickly leads to heavy eyelids and a few head bobs trying to make it to at least see what the weather will be the following day on the news. I know.  You too.  Some people believe that's just how life is.  I pledge to create and live the life I intended. And that's not it.
For the past month, I have had the luxury of staying in a heavenly place.  Montana.  While Husband has been working, Peanut and I have been playing.  What I realize is that even in play we can feel overwhelmed and over scheduled.  "Let's go swimming, then we'll go the grocery store, oh I gotta fill up the car with gas, yes, we'll stop by the toy store to play with their displays, but only for 15 minutes, bc we have to meet daddy for lunch and then we'll go to the playground, oh shoot, I forgot about the dogs, we need to run home to let them out, oh and crap, what's for dinner, oh and for the love of God why does it not get dark til 10:30 pm here..."On the days that I  stopped planning so much and enjoyed where the day might lead, Peanut and I had a blast together. I was a more present and engaging mother.  She was more expressive and communicative with me.  I was a more pleasant wife and person.   This is the life I intended.  It has only 2 jobs that I love. It includes more glasses of wine.  More mornings on my back porch with a cup of coffee and/or a yoga mat.  More skype dates with girlfriends spread across the country. More easy conversations with Husband.  More quality time with family.  More day trips. More exploring. More strolls around my fantastic neighborhood with my family... all done at leisure.  Enough with the over scheduling.  I vow to stop organizing my day in mind in 30 minute intervals.
Dishes will still need to be washed (yuck!) and laundry to be done. I do not deny this.  But I am letting go of the overwhelming feeling I get when I feel like I can't keep up.  Keep up with what?  My insanity?  The world will go on if I go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink.  (Who am I kidding?  This happens all the time.)  I invite us all to breathe more deeply.  Slow down our pace.  This will not remove the bills from our lives or the demands from our jobs.  But it will bring us to this beautiful present moment which holds so much peace and joy.  Join me.

Good to be back!

I have taken some time away from the blogosphere for the past 6 months.  I admit that I hope I was missed.... at least a little.  I certainly missed writing.  Here's the scoop.  I spilled a few drops of water on my computer keyboard.  bummer.  Took it to apple store and was told our laptop was "vintage".  There first time this term didn't make me feel hip in the least bit.  So, yadda, yadda, time, money...finally glad to be back tapping on the keyboard and reconnecting here.
I am writing from the mountains of Montana.  We have been blessed to have some awesome friends, who run an awesome theater company, in an astoundingly beautiful part of the country.  This is our third summer here. Last summer here was equally awesome, but ended with some sadness.  We were surprised to learn I was pregnant, but at about 8 weeks I had a miscarriage.  I am not gonna lie.  I was nervous to return here.  Scared that the reminder and grief would be overwhelming.
Last July when I returned home, a dear and generous friend gifted me with 2 months of unlimited yoga to work out my grief on the mat.  She doesn't realize she gifted me with so much more. Free yoga, of course is fabulous to a penny-pinching mom who doesn't make enough time for herself.  But she gave me permission to be sad, angry, and to take the time to "work it out".  I hadn't give myself that kind of permission.  Fast forward beyond 2 months, and I was still practicing yoga, still crying, considering pregnancy again, and began yoga teacher training.  Yep.  Who knew that such deep sadness would lead me to a realization of a new love of teaching yoga and helping others?  Was it suppose to happen this way?  Who knows? And frankly, I don't even care about all that.  I began a journey of even deeper self-study and that's what I care about.  As our luggage and dog-filled car trekked closer to Montana last week, I could feel my anxiety increasing.  I have been reading "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson and was reminded that my past, no matter how heartbreaking, does not have to decide my present.  This week has been filled with reconnecting with favorite people, spending just about every minute with Peanut, supporting talented Husband, inspiration from amazing theater, spying deer at dinner time, picnics, and many moments of gratitude. I have been buoyed by so much support this past year.  I literally felt loving hands holding me up when I felt I was sinking.  That's why I share all of this very personal stuff. I am giving you permission to work it out...what ever it might be.
It's good to be back.

INTENTION

"What's your intention with my sister?"  This was a question my protective older brother posed to Husband upon their first meeting 15 years ago.  Husband came to visit me in Dallas, not long after we began dating and what started out as a simple family lunch turned into an inquisition.  Husband handled it very well and passed with flying colors.  

INTENTION.  Such a strong word. I think of intention as having a clear and specific understanding of why someone is doing something. There is power in that.  Not puffed up, put your chest out, strut around town kind of power, for that's not power at all. I am writing of grounded, centered, confident power.  I don't know about you, but I certainly lived the first 30 some odd years of my life with little intention.  Basically, I woke up each day still asleep, going through the usual motions, regurgitating what others had told me I should do and believe. Sure, I had hopes and dreams.  But it was more like I prayed hard, crossed my fingers, took a deep breath and closed my eyes in hopes that said dream might happen.  That's not intention. It's just exhausting.

Intention isn't a to do list that you check off.  I intend to buy groceries. Check. I intend to swing by Target and spend less than $50 (good luck). Check.  No. Intention is a mind set, a life style, a vision.  So what if that means that you might have a big poster board on your fridge filled with cut outs from magazines that express your goals and dreams. Take a step toward intention. Maybe you think that's all spiritual mumbo-jumbo, but it beats waking up again with that heaviness on your chest because you will start another day filled with questioning and doubt, wondering when life is gonna throw you a bone.

Intention means I will not say, "Well, we'll just see how it all works out", followed by a deep sigh.  No more finger crossing here.  I will be encouraged by the words of Marianne Williamson who reminds me that "I am a child of God.  My playing small does not serve the world." You cannot be small and have intention. Remember? Power.

Here's my intention for the new year. Each day. 

I came to win. To fight (for peace, love and goodness). To conquer (fear and hatred). To thrive (that's my favorite). To prosper. To rise. To fly. 

If those words are familiar to you at all, you are much cooler than me, as you recognize the hit by Rihanna and Nicki Minaj.  I have added a few of my own intentions to join them.  

By the way, fifteen years ago, Husband had very clear intentions with me and I am happier for it. : )

This is written as a part of my dear friend's blog, Not Just Another Jen.  She does a word of the month and this month was INTENTION.  Be sure to check her out.  She's beautiful, funny, open and constantly inspires me.