Good to be back!

I have taken some time away from the blogosphere for the past 6 months.  I admit that I hope I was missed.... at least a little.  I certainly missed writing.  Here's the scoop.  I spilled a few drops of water on my computer keyboard.  bummer.  Took it to apple store and was told our laptop was "vintage".  There first time this term didn't make me feel hip in the least bit.  So, yadda, yadda, time, money...finally glad to be back tapping on the keyboard and reconnecting here.
I am writing from the mountains of Montana.  We have been blessed to have some awesome friends, who run an awesome theater company, in an astoundingly beautiful part of the country.  This is our third summer here. Last summer here was equally awesome, but ended with some sadness.  We were surprised to learn I was pregnant, but at about 8 weeks I had a miscarriage.  I am not gonna lie.  I was nervous to return here.  Scared that the reminder and grief would be overwhelming.
Last July when I returned home, a dear and generous friend gifted me with 2 months of unlimited yoga to work out my grief on the mat.  She doesn't realize she gifted me with so much more. Free yoga, of course is fabulous to a penny-pinching mom who doesn't make enough time for herself.  But she gave me permission to be sad, angry, and to take the time to "work it out".  I hadn't give myself that kind of permission.  Fast forward beyond 2 months, and I was still practicing yoga, still crying, considering pregnancy again, and began yoga teacher training.  Yep.  Who knew that such deep sadness would lead me to a realization of a new love of teaching yoga and helping others?  Was it suppose to happen this way?  Who knows? And frankly, I don't even care about all that.  I began a journey of even deeper self-study and that's what I care about.  As our luggage and dog-filled car trekked closer to Montana last week, I could feel my anxiety increasing.  I have been reading "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson and was reminded that my past, no matter how heartbreaking, does not have to decide my present.  This week has been filled with reconnecting with favorite people, spending just about every minute with Peanut, supporting talented Husband, inspiration from amazing theater, spying deer at dinner time, picnics, and many moments of gratitude. I have been buoyed by so much support this past year.  I literally felt loving hands holding me up when I felt I was sinking.  That's why I share all of this very personal stuff. I am giving you permission to work it out...what ever it might be.
It's good to be back.

The Last Day

Today is the final day of my 30's.  I wonder if I should wear black to mourn this passing.  My life is not at all what I envisioned it would be on this day.  My 30's were really good to me.  Full.  Adventurous.  Dreams realized, fulfilled, and even crushed.  Travel. Good sessions of therapy.  So many laughs and tears with friends and cast mates.  Heartache.  Losing people I truly adored.  I grew up in my 30's.  Turning 40, I thought I'd still be in NYC, being one of those amazing women who juggle motherhood and an acting career. Or we'd have stayed in Nashville and I'd be writing hits for Reba and having dinner with Faith and Tim.  But alas, I live in Oklahoma City, a landlocked state that my home state of Texas  makes fun of (not that I ever cared about stuff like that).  I haven't been on a stage or sung outside of my shower in over a year.  The news sucks here. I never feel like I know what's going on in the world unless I watch CNN.  I work a 9 to 5 job that has me in front of a computer for most of those hours. My dress size is creeping closer and closer to a size that I am less than thrilled about. Yet, these are not the reasons, my life isn't what I imagined.  My life is better than I'd imagined.  What I take with me from my 30's, what I really only grasped this year, is that my circumstances do not determine my happiness. In the past, if this had been my life, I would've been depressed, sinking into the abyss of self-pity that I wallowed in for too many years. Waah, f-ing , waaah!!!  Yep!!  I mean that.  I have so much to be grateful for. I have a new job for a non-profit arts organization that is teaching me so much. I get to spend more time with my parents. I have a kid that keeps my laughing, but also makes me really think about my choices. I love watching her grow. I feel the love from my network of friends across the country almost daily.  Husband makes me feel like I am still 25, wink, wink.  So, I say, "Ta ta!" to my 30's.  Thank you. I raise a glass to you and welcome the wisdom, risks, new adventures and dreams realized, fulfilled, maybe even crushed that this next decade will bring.

Why I Loved Grey's Anatomy, The Musical

I realize I am a week late in this post, but Momma's been busy. I was a few days behind in watching Glee's Grey's Anatomy, but felt compelled to respond to some of the uproar. It is no surprise that I love most all things musical.  It's in my blood.  Here are the top three reasons I was thrilled they did it.
Number one reason, Sara Ramirez.  For those of you who don't know, she plays Callie Torres.  I have known of Sara since 1998. Husband worked with her back then in a regional theater production of Gershwin's Fascinating Rhythm.  He would later make his Broadway debut in this production with her. When I first heard her sing I was mesmerized. My heart literally ached a little when I heard her voice.  Not only that, she was such a great actress.  Funny, poignant, and smart.  So a few days before the episode, Husband shared with me her new EP that he had just purchased on itunes.  No shock that I loved it, but most especially her cover of "The Story".  What a superb song.  So when Sara/Callie sang it at the end of the episode I was beside myself, in a good way.  Finally the rest of the world would get to experience this amazingly talented woman.  Buy it on itunes.  You won't be disappointed.
I heard that when she was in Spamalot on Broadway, for which she won the TONY for Best Actress, that the ABC execs came to her and said she could pick any show she wanted to be in and she chose Grey's.  I don't know if that's even true, but I like to hear stories like that.  A ridiculously talented theater girl gets appreciated by big TV guys.  Thank God she didn't choose a short-lived sitcom that I cannot even remember the name of now.
The second reason I loved this episode is because if I were bleeding on the hood of a car and having an outer body experience, this is how it would be for me.  When I was dancing 7 days a week as a kid/young adult, I used to dream in pirouettes.  Like I'd be doing insane numbers of pirouettes in the style of Baryshnikov in White Knights.  (Still one of my fave movie scenes.)  My older adult life has been more about music, singing it, writing it, listening to it.  Sometimes I can express myself so much better in a song.  So I could totally relate to her hallucinations.
Thirdly, while I am a Glee watcher, I'd much rather watch this kind of story line over teens, and adults for that matter, with out of control hormones week after week.  I am all for promoting and supporting the love of music and dance. Plus, I like anything that pulls for the underdog.  But I  even more appreciate the use of the musical format for more adult and thoughtful storytelling.
I will say this....I did wonder if Patrick Dempsey and others said, "Hell no!  I will not sing."  Or did they have to audition for their solos like back in high school glee club?  That made me giggle a bit to think of Sandra Oh singing "I Enjoy being A Girl" and Shonda Rhimes abruptly stopping her mid-song with a dismissive "Thank You". I also felt like some the actors were clearly not used to acting while singing.  But I enjoyed it nonetheless. I loved that they took a risk and tried something new. Something we all should do now and then.

Live in the Present

 

Last summer, I was in a fabulous production of "Hair" at Alpine Theatre Project in Whitefish, MT (aka Heaven on Earth). For an opening night gift, Husband and Peanut gave me a bracelet that read "Live in the  present".  I loved it.  So appropriate for that show.  Somehow this cherished gift got misplaced in our last move, perhaps along with its message.  While Husband and I were going through our taxes, we found the receipt and reminded me of it.  This is why I kind of enjoy doing taxes, because it is a walk down memory lane for me.  This also why it takes me forever, as I sit and reminisce over fond moments.  Back to the story.

I loved last summer.  I faced fears and things I thought I'd never do. Hiking mountains, kayaking and public nudity, to name a few.  Not at the same time.  But it was "Hair" and as a woman who had given birth and was knocking on 40's door,  being in my birthday suit  became no big deal.  People asked if it was freeing.  Kinda.  But I realized it's just a body and it has been good to me and it was not a sexual thing in any way.  It was celebrating all parts of me, from my legs, which I love thanks to years of dancing, to my gut and back fat. It was done so tastefully and so briefly that even a theater critic missed it as she looked down at her program for a moment. I spent most of last summer either outdoors in the most beautiful landscape I have ever seen, or on a stage, my home, my love.  I was challenged by my cast mates by hiking and getting reacquainted with my quads again, and by encouraging  myself to not filter and judge my instincts as an actor. Husband even directed me in the final production of the summer. He's brilliant. All were equally exhilarating.

I know it sounds like I am living in the past. Actually, thinking about last summer and looking down at those simple but powerful words on my bracelet, remind me of so much.  My future is less certain this summer.  I will not be acting on a stage as I had hoped.  However,  I will be back in Montana to play with Peanut while Husband directs and choreographs "She Loves Me."  I will be sure to hike and kayak, but will probably abstain from public nudity.  So as I cherish my past and look forward to future adventures, I live in the present and love the present.  For it is a gift.  Each breath, each thought, each laugh, each tear, each hug, each moment.  The present is what makes my past wonderful and my future exciting.

Blog-Way Debut

I welcome you to the first blog of my life.  Well, I have been entertained, inspired and informed by various blogs for about a year now, but this is my "Blog-way Debut".  Clever?  OK, more like corny.  But that's me.  I am an actress, mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, talker, thinker, vegetarian, and recovering sugar addict who was lucky enough to make her living as a working actor on Broadway from my late twenties to mid-thirties.  I loved every second of it, in hindsight.  While I was there, I hate to admit that I took it much too much for granted.  I mean, it IS a job.  A job that requires, for the most part, that you continue to be a job-seeker even if you have a pretty secure one.  And one I tired of from time to time. However, the theatre community of New York City is this wonderful, colorful, and embracing family that I adore and I will always feel like I am a member. 
Well, marriage and kid, I mean, LIFE has lead me away from that stage to my honestly wonderful home of Oklahoma City.  And now I contemplate, "Hmmmm.  Where does my journey take me from here?"  I have lived my dream of moving to NYC, roughing it, paying dues, making the best of friends, and working on The Great White Way (those last 4 words should be read with fancy accent). What now?  
So I invite you to join me on my journey as I contemplate, joke, rant, and hopefully, inform and inspire.  Oh and by the way, I turn 40 this year, which I will celebrate to the highest!