Three Little Words

The title of this post could be misleading.  While I believe that hearing the words "I Love You" and hearing them often is crucial, that' s not where I am heading today.  Some nights "Red Wine Now" could be the three most important words I say.  But I am not talking about soothing my stressful soul with an alcoholic libation either.  Here's the story...( of a lovely lady, just kidding)...
It's a Friday evening.  It's hot. 90 degrees. Our AC isn't working.  Husband has been working more hours than any person should. He is choreographing the musical at the university where he teaches, on top of his already crazy heavy load as a professor.  So his time at home has been limited.  Like only home for dinner for maybe 2 hours and then it's back to school. He couldn't be a more attentive father and husband. I adore this man.  One of the reasons I adore him is because he is so great at playing with our daughter.  She has a vast imagination and he happily pretends to be Gaston, Lefou, Ursula and King Triton all in one story.  Back to the Friday.  Did I say it was hot?  They were outside playing, in the middle of a very tense moment for Ariel, I assume.  I am preparing dinner, as much in the  microwave as possible so I don't raise the temp of our already sun baked kitchen. I asked Peanut if she would please feed the dog.  "No, I am playing with my dad." Ok.  I get it.  Choosing battles.  She has had a few meltdowns over missing him. To husband. "Could you please feed the dog?"  I get a little grumbling about spending time with Peanut, but he does in fact, feed the dog.  I stew for a moment. I have stewing down to an art some days. I begin to recall the plate from breakfast that gets left on the table as he rushes out the door .  I count every pair of shoes in the middle of the floor, just from where I am standing.  Okay, I admit, a couple are mine. Then I stop myself and resolve to speak up at dinner to say three very important and powerful little words.
Here goes : I need help.
I didn't raise my voice, shed a tear, or get all defensive and list all the many times I wasn't helped. I just made the statement.  They listened and said, "OK."  The rest of our dinner that followed was lovely.

This was a huge lesson for me.  There are so many things in life I can't control. I can't even control on what level Husband and Peanut will actually help, which has been superb, by the way.  However, I can control how I react.  I can control how I proceed when faced with something that could very easily piss tick me off.  (That's for my mom,  She hates the "p" word). I can either simply and undramatically state what  I need or I can brood over it for the next 5 hours and verbally attack Husband when he comes through the door late after a grueling rehearsal.  That's so not fun or pretty and really puts a damper on any possibility of either of us getting lucky later. Plus,  I am teaching Peanut by example how to ask for what you need without manipulation and I am including her in the tasks of being a family. It felt so good not to be the martyr.
I began to think about this lesson further beyond being a mom and/or wife.  How many times in my life have I needed to say these words to a friend, to a family member, a boss?  I need help.  My life is overwhelming. I need validation, etc. Just state it simply with no defenses. Not mull it over in my mind a million times and play a strong hand of guilt or slip so comfortably into my victim costume.  Let me confess that costume is worn out.
It's time to don our Wonder Woman costumes, do our best Lynda Carter spin and enlist the help of our fellow super heros.

Date Night Is Not Just For Nerds

I used to think that the nerdiest phrase in the English language was "Date Night".  I'd imagine a frumpy-ish woman, in her fresh pressed front-pleated khakis, cardigan sweater, and sensible hairstyle, going to dinner with her comb-over husband.  I never understood why people felt this bizarre need to name such an event.  Why can't they just "go out"?
Then I had a child.
When Peanut was an infant, I still held this judgement toward a planned night out between a husband and wife.  Well, I didn't judge the night, just the title.  I held the belief that we didn't need to be so rigid.  We could still be spontaneous.  But as Peanut got older and time to connect with Husband got smaller,  I found that I was actually jealous of said "date nights".  That's because we were never just going out and being spur of the moment.  I also realized that none of the ladies I knew who were going on "date night" even owned a pair of khakis.  : )
Date night is give its own title because it is actually a huge deal to a couple with children.  It's also a huge dent to the pocketbook.  Much bigger than any dent a date made pre-child.  Childcare cost at least doubles the expense of the night, especially in NYC when travel time is, at the very minimum, one hour of the outing.  And to be honest, it's a huge deal because we get to have an uninterrupted conversation, eat yummy gourmet food, drink heavily, and maybe even make out in the cab ride home.  I don't know about you, but all of those things just don't tend to happen in my house in one night. That's not a complaint or a strike against Husband, because I love all the other nights of my life with him and Peanut.  But finding the time and funding to "date" is not as easy as I used to think.  Husband and I try to take advantage of visiting grandparents without being too abusive so that we might whisk away for some alone time.  We also try to have post-putting-Peanut-to bed date nights in home, as well.  Yet, dates are still too few and far between in this economy and life schedule.
I now hold this once square name in high regard.  I love "date night".  So what, if it is not spontaneous.  Sometimes, planning time to be together, says so much more.
Here's to a Happy Valentine's Day, no matter where or how it was celebrated!!!