INTENTION

"What's your intention with my sister?"  This was a question my protective older brother posed to Husband upon their first meeting 15 years ago.  Husband came to visit me in Dallas, not long after we began dating and what started out as a simple family lunch turned into an inquisition.  Husband handled it very well and passed with flying colors.  

INTENTION.  Such a strong word. I think of intention as having a clear and specific understanding of why someone is doing something. There is power in that.  Not puffed up, put your chest out, strut around town kind of power, for that's not power at all. I am writing of grounded, centered, confident power.  I don't know about you, but I certainly lived the first 30 some odd years of my life with little intention.  Basically, I woke up each day still asleep, going through the usual motions, regurgitating what others had told me I should do and believe. Sure, I had hopes and dreams.  But it was more like I prayed hard, crossed my fingers, took a deep breath and closed my eyes in hopes that said dream might happen.  That's not intention. It's just exhausting.

Intention isn't a to do list that you check off.  I intend to buy groceries. Check. I intend to swing by Target and spend less than $50 (good luck). Check.  No. Intention is a mind set, a life style, a vision.  So what if that means that you might have a big poster board on your fridge filled with cut outs from magazines that express your goals and dreams. Take a step toward intention. Maybe you think that's all spiritual mumbo-jumbo, but it beats waking up again with that heaviness on your chest because you will start another day filled with questioning and doubt, wondering when life is gonna throw you a bone.

Intention means I will not say, "Well, we'll just see how it all works out", followed by a deep sigh.  No more finger crossing here.  I will be encouraged by the words of Marianne Williamson who reminds me that "I am a child of God.  My playing small does not serve the world." You cannot be small and have intention. Remember? Power.

Here's my intention for the new year. Each day. 

I came to win. To fight (for peace, love and goodness). To conquer (fear and hatred). To thrive (that's my favorite). To prosper. To rise. To fly. 

If those words are familiar to you at all, you are much cooler than me, as you recognize the hit by Rihanna and Nicki Minaj.  I have added a few of my own intentions to join them.  

By the way, fifteen years ago, Husband had very clear intentions with me and I am happier for it. : )

This is written as a part of my dear friend's blog, Not Just Another Jen.  She does a word of the month and this month was INTENTION.  Be sure to check her out.  She's beautiful, funny, open and constantly inspires me.

The Last Day

Today is the final day of my 30's.  I wonder if I should wear black to mourn this passing.  My life is not at all what I envisioned it would be on this day.  My 30's were really good to me.  Full.  Adventurous.  Dreams realized, fulfilled, and even crushed.  Travel. Good sessions of therapy.  So many laughs and tears with friends and cast mates.  Heartache.  Losing people I truly adored.  I grew up in my 30's.  Turning 40, I thought I'd still be in NYC, being one of those amazing women who juggle motherhood and an acting career. Or we'd have stayed in Nashville and I'd be writing hits for Reba and having dinner with Faith and Tim.  But alas, I live in Oklahoma City, a landlocked state that my home state of Texas  makes fun of (not that I ever cared about stuff like that).  I haven't been on a stage or sung outside of my shower in over a year.  The news sucks here. I never feel like I know what's going on in the world unless I watch CNN.  I work a 9 to 5 job that has me in front of a computer for most of those hours. My dress size is creeping closer and closer to a size that I am less than thrilled about. Yet, these are not the reasons, my life isn't what I imagined.  My life is better than I'd imagined.  What I take with me from my 30's, what I really only grasped this year, is that my circumstances do not determine my happiness. In the past, if this had been my life, I would've been depressed, sinking into the abyss of self-pity that I wallowed in for too many years. Waah, f-ing , waaah!!!  Yep!!  I mean that.  I have so much to be grateful for. I have a new job for a non-profit arts organization that is teaching me so much. I get to spend more time with my parents. I have a kid that keeps my laughing, but also makes me really think about my choices. I love watching her grow. I feel the love from my network of friends across the country almost daily.  Husband makes me feel like I am still 25, wink, wink.  So, I say, "Ta ta!" to my 30's.  Thank you. I raise a glass to you and welcome the wisdom, risks, new adventures and dreams realized, fulfilled, maybe even crushed that this next decade will bring.

Why I Loved Grey's Anatomy, The Musical

I realize I am a week late in this post, but Momma's been busy. I was a few days behind in watching Glee's Grey's Anatomy, but felt compelled to respond to some of the uproar. It is no surprise that I love most all things musical.  It's in my blood.  Here are the top three reasons I was thrilled they did it.
Number one reason, Sara Ramirez.  For those of you who don't know, she plays Callie Torres.  I have known of Sara since 1998. Husband worked with her back then in a regional theater production of Gershwin's Fascinating Rhythm.  He would later make his Broadway debut in this production with her. When I first heard her sing I was mesmerized. My heart literally ached a little when I heard her voice.  Not only that, she was such a great actress.  Funny, poignant, and smart.  So a few days before the episode, Husband shared with me her new EP that he had just purchased on itunes.  No shock that I loved it, but most especially her cover of "The Story".  What a superb song.  So when Sara/Callie sang it at the end of the episode I was beside myself, in a good way.  Finally the rest of the world would get to experience this amazingly talented woman.  Buy it on itunes.  You won't be disappointed.
I heard that when she was in Spamalot on Broadway, for which she won the TONY for Best Actress, that the ABC execs came to her and said she could pick any show she wanted to be in and she chose Grey's.  I don't know if that's even true, but I like to hear stories like that.  A ridiculously talented theater girl gets appreciated by big TV guys.  Thank God she didn't choose a short-lived sitcom that I cannot even remember the name of now.
The second reason I loved this episode is because if I were bleeding on the hood of a car and having an outer body experience, this is how it would be for me.  When I was dancing 7 days a week as a kid/young adult, I used to dream in pirouettes.  Like I'd be doing insane numbers of pirouettes in the style of Baryshnikov in White Knights.  (Still one of my fave movie scenes.)  My older adult life has been more about music, singing it, writing it, listening to it.  Sometimes I can express myself so much better in a song.  So I could totally relate to her hallucinations.
Thirdly, while I am a Glee watcher, I'd much rather watch this kind of story line over teens, and adults for that matter, with out of control hormones week after week.  I am all for promoting and supporting the love of music and dance. Plus, I like anything that pulls for the underdog.  But I  even more appreciate the use of the musical format for more adult and thoughtful storytelling.
I will say this....I did wonder if Patrick Dempsey and others said, "Hell no!  I will not sing."  Or did they have to audition for their solos like back in high school glee club?  That made me giggle a bit to think of Sandra Oh singing "I Enjoy being A Girl" and Shonda Rhimes abruptly stopping her mid-song with a dismissive "Thank You". I also felt like some the actors were clearly not used to acting while singing.  But I enjoyed it nonetheless. I loved that they took a risk and tried something new. Something we all should do now and then.

Live in the Present

 

Last summer, I was in a fabulous production of "Hair" at Alpine Theatre Project in Whitefish, MT (aka Heaven on Earth). For an opening night gift, Husband and Peanut gave me a bracelet that read "Live in the  present".  I loved it.  So appropriate for that show.  Somehow this cherished gift got misplaced in our last move, perhaps along with its message.  While Husband and I were going through our taxes, we found the receipt and reminded me of it.  This is why I kind of enjoy doing taxes, because it is a walk down memory lane for me.  This also why it takes me forever, as I sit and reminisce over fond moments.  Back to the story.

I loved last summer.  I faced fears and things I thought I'd never do. Hiking mountains, kayaking and public nudity, to name a few.  Not at the same time.  But it was "Hair" and as a woman who had given birth and was knocking on 40's door,  being in my birthday suit  became no big deal.  People asked if it was freeing.  Kinda.  But I realized it's just a body and it has been good to me and it was not a sexual thing in any way.  It was celebrating all parts of me, from my legs, which I love thanks to years of dancing, to my gut and back fat. It was done so tastefully and so briefly that even a theater critic missed it as she looked down at her program for a moment. I spent most of last summer either outdoors in the most beautiful landscape I have ever seen, or on a stage, my home, my love.  I was challenged by my cast mates by hiking and getting reacquainted with my quads again, and by encouraging  myself to not filter and judge my instincts as an actor. Husband even directed me in the final production of the summer. He's brilliant. All were equally exhilarating.

I know it sounds like I am living in the past. Actually, thinking about last summer and looking down at those simple but powerful words on my bracelet, remind me of so much.  My future is less certain this summer.  I will not be acting on a stage as I had hoped.  However,  I will be back in Montana to play with Peanut while Husband directs and choreographs "She Loves Me."  I will be sure to hike and kayak, but will probably abstain from public nudity.  So as I cherish my past and look forward to future adventures, I live in the present and love the present.  For it is a gift.  Each breath, each thought, each laugh, each tear, each hug, each moment.  The present is what makes my past wonderful and my future exciting.

Ssssssselebrating My Uniquenessssssssssssssss

This may seem hard to believe, but I was almost 30 before I really realized I had a lisp, a sibilant S, any sort of speech issue.  Apparently, when I was a child it had been suggested to my parents to send me to a speech therapist, but they didn't want it to become something I was self-conscious about.  As a parent now, I completely understand and appreciate their decision to just let me be me.  I am sure back then, they had no idea I'd want to be an actress.  Fast forward to college, where my voice teacher mentioned it to me, but almost in passing, so I didn't think much of it and therefore didn't seek any assistance.   I was only reminded of it when stupid college boys would mimic me, like they were funny and clever.  But still, I guess I was dense or in complete denial, it never occurred to me that I REALLY had a lisp.

Moving on to 2001, I had message on my answering machine (Remember those?) from a former co-worker who was studying to be a speech therapist and wanted to know about my speech therapy history, ya know, backstory.  Y'all ( say that with the heaviest Southern accent possible), this threw me for a loop.  You mean, people can tell I have a lisp?  Seriously, this went through my mind.  By this time, I had been working steadily in NYC, on Broadway and National Tours and in classes and no one had ever referred to any speech issue.  I began to walk down a very dark tunnel of doubt, after this.  I did seek out a speech therapist, who was somewhat helpful. However, by now I am 30 and it's tough to to teach an old dog a new way to speak.  I was also on the hunt for a new agent at this time and I met with a particularly horrible man, with bad plugs I might add, who compared me to Winthrop, the lisping boy, in Music Man.  To my face. This sent me reeling even further.  I continued to study with the therapist for a while longer, but it wasn't cheap.  My money would've been better spent on a psychotherapist, which came a few years later. (Best gift I EVER gave myself!!!!)
Here I am today.  I am a grown woman turning 40 this year and fully aware and embracing this part of me.  How I speak truly is a part of who I am.  If I changed to sound like everyone else, I feel like I might be the Jennifer Grey of lispers. So I share this clever lisper with you(beware, it is slightly off color), because I love it and it reminds me to be proud of all partsssss of me.

Using My Periscope

I want to share with you a recent interview a friend of mine did with Jane Pauley.  His name is Tripp Hanson and he has inspired me for the entire 10 plus years of our friendship.  We met when he was a very accomplished triple threat in the Broadway community. At the time, we both lived in a NJ suburb of NYC.  We'd watch each others dogs, share many bottles of wine, and quite often discuss our life journey. During the course of our friendship, he began to study acupuncture and eventually would work on both me, for allergies and infertility, and Husband, for various injuries incurred by being a Broadway dancer.  As I have been searching a path for my next phase of post-Broadway life, I have almost daily thought of Tripp and his courage to leap.

In his interview, Tripp speaks of "putting up your periscope to see what grabs you."  I loved that.  What a perfect way to describe that openness to seek out what intrigues you.  I hope you'll take a few minutes to watch this.  He's adorable and Jane is obviously and understandably smitten with him.  May you also be inspired and encouraged to put up your periscope.